gifts and curses...a breakdown of the meaning of our song

long ago, back in me and my husbands early days of dating (so what it was only 5 years ago...), we decided that the song "gifts and curses" by yellowcard on the spiderman 2 soundtrack (which just so happens to be our most favorite bonding topic) would be "our song." at the time, it was so very sweet and had some to do with our lives, but mostly meant a lot to us because of the comparison to our favorite fictional (or nonfictional...) character, Spider-man. it wasnt until tonight that i realized how much it actually parallels everything we are living at this moment...look and see what i mean.


"Mary belongs to the words of a song. 
I try to be strong for her, try not to be wrong for her."


always has he always had this attitude toward me. my love is so much of a romantic, and ive always seen his effort in trying to be everything i need, and more. but this isnt even the best part....



"But she will not wait for me, anymore, anymore."


honestly, there have been some days where waiting on him is the last thing i want to do. he has been gone so so long, soon i feel like he will have been gone from me longer than he will have been with me. and as of right now, that is more than true of our married life, while about 6wks of our marriage has been together, with about 6 months apart. not really what i had pictured.



"Why did I say all those things before? I was sure."


i feel like he feels this so so often...there are moment, like we all have, that he has felt so sure that this is the only thing he knows he is supposed to do, other than be with me. but in some moments... being sure of this whole navy life waivers, as does faith in other things...



"She is the one, but I have a purpose."



he needs me. i need him. but i am not his entire life. he is living his life, and trying his best to place his life into God's hands, in hopes of fulfilling a greater purpose. maybe that purpose is saving the world through means of the US Navy...maybe that purpose is learning a new trade in a completely new place...maybe that purpose is exploring the world... but if i am the one, are any of these things possible?




"She is the one, and I have to fight this."


it is possible. i promised to him long ago that where he goes, i go. where he leads i will follow. what he loves i will love. my heart will always be with his, to the end, no matter what. and in this case, it means following him to the ends of the earth literally halfway across the world, it means living the same dream,..it means finding out that our dream is shared, and ultimately is just to love each other. so now, with these choices, we must both fight through in order to get to what means most...each other.




"She is the one, a villain I can't knock down."


so many times, i feel as if im not careful i could easily get in the way. he would never allow me to say that, but i know that my support instead of my opposition will allow him to go on, learn more, and be more of a man. my interference with that will only hurt us both.


"I see your face with every punch I take, 
and every bone I break, it's all for you. 
And my worst pains are words I cannot say, 
still I will always fight on for you."


its all about him, and it always has been. he says the same...its always been me, set apart solely for him since the beginning. we both take our own set of "punches" and "broken bones," and each time its as if all i can see is him, waiting for me with open arms. sometimes the pain of him being gone is more than i can bear, more than words can describe...but it will never be enough to cause me to stop fighting for him, and he for me.




"Mary's alive in the bright New York sky, 
the city lights shine for her, above them I cry for her."


sometimes i wonder, how beautiful is the ocean? he sees it every single day, and still can not get over its beauty. even when i see such beauty though, my prime thought is how badly i want to share this beauty beside him.



"Everything's small on the ground below, down below. 
What if I fall, then where would I go, would she know?"


i have to face it, even though the navy may not have half as many casualties as some branches or places of war, my husband risks his life on a daily basis. and im not there to be beside him daily, to know where he is or even how he is. the reality is, i would not know if at this moment he was hurt or sick, and i have to be ok with that, and put an endless trust in my God that he will take care of him, and me, and know that He holds our hearts as well.





"She is the one, all that I wanted, 
She is the one, and I will be haunted, 
She is the one, this gift is my curse for now."


now we know, with no question...all we want is each other. and now, we are blessed with the gift of our incredible selfless compassionate endless love...while dealing with this curse of a great responsibility that is called our purpose.
I see your face with every punch I take, 
and every bone I break, it's all for you. 
And my worst pains are words I cannot say, 
Still I will always fight on for you. Fight on for you ...

too long...

yeaaa its been how long since i posted? the hub is still underway, but i havent exactly posted with my daily "something new." instead, my sister came to visit!!! it has been a great summer...trying to learn a lot of new things, including recipes, japanese, places, and how to successfully drive on the left side of the road lol. among all of those things and more, im trying to really keep my mind sharp as im finding that is harder and harder to do while living the daily "wife life." my following posts will hopefully be a little deeper than they have been...